Into My Mind, Into My Heart
by Taygeta
Summary: After the conversation Buffy and Xander have in Buffy Comics S8 #31, Buffy pretends it was all a mistake. But what happens if someone finds out the truth? And is everything really what it seems?
1. Prologue

Spoilers: Takes place after Buffy #31 Comic. So far just the B/X stuff in the comic, but not sure how far later the first chapter will go from that time setting. But basically if you haven't read it, spoilers. If you don't plan to, you can probably figure out what's going on.

Disclaimer: The * notations are actual quotes from Buffy S8 #31. I don't own the series or any of the characters.

Author's Note: Buffy S8 #31 kind of disheartened me. It had that conversation that I was waiting for since episode 1 when I became a B/X fan and - in typical Joss Whedon fashion - it all blew up and the people who might be happy are not the ones that I want to be. So I am coming out of semi-retirement to make myself feel better - that there is an exit strategy out of this disastrous turn of events. I hope you enjoy this random effort. I actually have no idea where this is going...fair warning!

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Into My Mind, Into My Heart Prologue By Taygeta

Only he could have called me on my selfishness in that way that he did.

"...even if you felt something before, once you saw us together, you should know that the decent thing to do would be to keep it to yourself..."*

Xander was right in all the ways that mattered to him - to Dawn - about how I should have acted. I shouldn't have said anything, and I had tried not to...I had tried to hold my breath and keep it in. But after awhile, when you spend every day of your life wondering if there's a next, I think everything can't help but go the way of carpe diem.

Not that this excuses me for being a terrible person, but a part of me had to say something - before it really got too late to ever say anything, to ever say I didn't do anything about it. Or maybe...maybe before I deluded myself in believing that a boy who once said he'd wait still would when he was all grown up.

And well, at least now I know.

And at the same time I know that there's nothing I can say to him that would make him believe I am in love with him.

"...even if you felt something..."*

"...if it were a bunch of years ago and you actually meant it..."*

I did feel something. I do feel something. I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't meant it.

It was a bunch of years ago and still counting... And all those years I knew and I didn't at the same time until I finally did and it was too late.

And therein lies the big joke that is my life. At the same time I opened my eyes to Xander - who was always there - he opened his eyes to Dawn who he says - and I know - always loved him.

I guess it just doesn't matter that I always did too. It doesn't matter that when I look back - knowing now how to make sense of all these feelings - I see him so clearly by my side. Not "sidekick". Not "member of the gang." But standing next to me - always - as an equal, as the person who sometimes had to be stronger than me.

Like in the moment he had to break my heart.

But here's the storyline for the world - for Xander - okay? For Dawn. Even Willow, who approves in the way I wish I could.

He didn't break my heart. I was confused. We were in the middle of a lot - still are - and it got me thinking a bit crazy.

I should be thinking battle plans and strategy and here I am planning strategy for this. But some of the worst battles are the ones you don't see, the ones no one else sees.

This has to be the story because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who makes sacrifices. Because even when I try to be selfish, the world tells me I can't. It brings me back to life when I'm gone. It makes me love a vampire when I'm the slayer. It makes me finally love the right guy who I can't have (he's dating my sister after all), but maybe even worse doesn't even believe that I really do.

And unless someone can read into my mind and read my heart, that's the truth.

It has to be. 


	2. Chapter 1

Spoilers: After Buffy S8 #31.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. This is just for fun. I make no money from this.

Author's Note: Thanks for all the support everyone. Hope you like the first chapter following the prologue.

Into My Mind, Into My Heart - Chapter One  
By Taygeta

*XANDER*

No, no Me don't say it!!

"Dawn, I think I'm kinda in love with you."

No, no Dawn don't agree with this Me!

"Xander, I love you too..."

Xander Body, why are you not retching? This is Dawn. Little Sib Dawn. Sure she's a cutie-pie, but not in this way.

No...no kissing...ugh...

* - * - *

I used to hate the night. Not that it seemed to matter anymore when vampire slaying is no longer the biggest issue on the list of enemies. As the most recent fiasco went, it's not like ginormous ancient goddesses that suck up magical energy care whether it's night or day. But now it's the only time I seem to be able to not be in conflict with myself. Feeling myself do all these things that I don't really want to do.

I'm not sure how it happened that made this start. It had to be some kind of magic because one day I could make my own decisions and walk the walk and then suddenly - *poof* - I was talking crazy with love about Dawn and - worse - having to tell Buffy that I didn't believe her and her feelings for me.

Truthfully, I don't really know if I do believe her.

It's too good to be true. And anything in this life that is too good to be true, really is. Doesn't matter at all that it took all these years to hear those words, it's still too good to be true.

I had waited for that conversation with Buffy since the very moment I saw her, cemented even more the one time I tried to be something more and she said she didn't feel the same way. And there I was finally having this conversation with the most beautiful woman in the world and saying everything I didn't want to say. Telling her I loved someone else. Sure some of the words rang true. I would have doubted the suddenness of her declarations. I would have doubted if this ridiculous thing with me and Dawn had been a catalyst. But screw the catalyst if what she said was true.

Finally Buffy Summers loved me...

...and I couldn't have her and I don't know why.

When I held her after she had to make her "approval", I hoped that if I held her tight enough she'd know - she'd hear the real me screaming, "It's not true. I love *you*."

But no, Dawn showed up and we went on to face the next conflict, my arm wrapped around the wrong person.

...then Buffy flew.

And it gave me hope that whatever was making her fly was what was making me not me. So that when we figure that, we can figure out how to break this spell that no one knows I'm in.

Right now, I'm lying beside Dawn.

No. We haven't done *that*. Thank God.

I hope Dawn is under a spell too. Either way, this has to be a lot worse than I even realize.

-*-*-

*DAWN*

This is because I used to be the Key, right? Made of magic, so magic comes back to haunt me?

Over and over again?

And unlike the time I was a giant and then a centaur and then a doll, it's not so obvious that I'm - yet again - haunted by another magical spell. At least that time I knew why.

I swear I didn't do anything and yet one day I woke up and I could hear Buffy's thoughts:

All.

Of.

Them.

Some are too much information, like the one time she looked over at Willow and Kennedy and her brain wandered to her time with Satsu. I mean, really? I don't need that etched in my memory, especially when I wasn't the one *in* the memory. It makes me jones a bit for Satsu and jonesing after a girl - via memory of my non-lesbian sister - is creepy. Not to mention, I'm perfectly content with my love life. I got the guy - the one I've always wanted.

Some are kinda comforting. Like it's nice to know - not just believe - that my sister by mystical means loves me. She's got a bit of a flub on her record with Xander, but she does love me. And even because of that flub with Xander I know she really does love me.

I wish I didn't know about Xander. That falls somewhere in-between "too much information" and kinda guilty.

Truthfully, hearing Buffy's thoughts was kinda interesting for the first couple of hours when I realized what was going on. There's a lot of cobwebs in there, a lot of memories that Buffy doesn't really talk about - doesn't want to talk about - that comes up. She still thinks about Angel. She still thinks about having died and come back. She's done it twice, but the last time was the one she remembered the most because she felt the one thing life here hasn't ever given her really: peace. I think losing that makes her want it more - not for herself - but for everyone else.

But when the Xander thoughts fell into place was when I wanted to give the power back, whatever the power was for and wherever it came from.

I heard her thoughts on that first day. He had walked into the room. She was doing her usual battle speech before we headed into yet another combat with some of Twilight's army gurus. And then I felt it. I know it was only her thoughts that I could hear, but from them I could hear her heart.

And I felt it.

Her sadness that she couldn't really let herself hold him - not after her "what about me?" conversation with him, the one I had walked in on and hadn't heard that part. At first I was kind of mad. Where did she come off?

He loves me. I love him. Done deal.

But then I kept on feeling it. Something more than all these years with my school girl crush that got to be.

I was feeling it again at dinner. Xander was sitting next to me, holding my hand on the table.

I had hoped that if I stared at Buffy long enough she'd realize I can hear me hearing her, but aside from a - "Dawn, why are you staring at me?" - which was a thought I heard coming, she didn't seem to be the wiser.

I'm beginning to like the night. I don't seem to hear her thoughts when she dreams. I don't think I want to know her dreams - her nightmares. I already know that the guy lying next to me was supposed to be a dream come true, a light in her darkness.

And even though I can't hear her thoughts right now. I felt that. I feel it.

I love him. He loves me.

But she loves him more than I want to know.


End file.
